Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jbenoji's LiveJournal:

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Friday, December 10th, 2004
11:35 am	Operation S.M.I.L.E. yeah, i know i've tried tis before, so this operation will probably fail within the next week, but why not try, right? so this new op is called SMILE an acronym for Set My Intentions to Less Emo. i am really girly at points. i cried every day for like a week and a half, unbeknownst to most. so, the purpose of this is to just be happier in general and to stop crying and stop getting so upset over dumb shit. it's real easy for me to break down and start a river. that shit gets old. so the problems lately are the same as usual. 1) i am homesick first of all. the phone is not enough. i am missing so much. why the hell did i come all the way up here. i have never been the far away from home, let alone for this amount of time. i miss my girls. they are growing up without an auntie. 2)i am lonely-esque. i like all these guys and they are all right in my face but i can't get up the gumption to say anything to either of them. and i also don't want to make things awkward by saying something stupid. and my biggest thing is fear of rejection. i have a low enough self image without some guy reaffirming that for me. 3) more "best friend" issues. i swear, i have never met someone that i have regarded as highly as cory. but he has turned into this person that i barely seem to know. he told me that i am different too. i see us falling apart and i want to do something about it before we fall completely off track. but we just get frustrated with each other and so he runs to tj and i go cry or dump on anne or chris. we don't talk, we don't spend time together, we don't laugh, we don't have fun, etc. so with this operation, the goal is to not completely stop caring but just take things a little more lightly and don't let it drag me down. things pile up and i feel like i could crawl into a hole and never come out, but it's just as dark and lonely in that hole as it is outside. this time i'll take things slowly and not give up so quickly. life is a learning experience and i'm in class. let's see if i come out with an A. Current Mood: eh... Current Music: just lose it - eminem (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
11:34 pm	never let me down... i wish "when it comes to being true, at least true to me. one thing i've found... oh no, you never let me down" <- there is noone i can say that of. i am sure people can't say it of me either, but fuckers, i try. i have noone anymore. there is noone i know, noone i trust, noone i can talk to, noone that even pretends they care. people are so fucking self-serving and uncaring. it's bothersome. i used to be able to say that quote about a couple of people, but they have disappeared or turned into something that i don't even recognize. i miss those which used to be closest to me. i'm back in position i am most adapted to. i should have known better than to depend on anyone or think that a person would prove themself different than the rest. everybody falls short i guess. frustrated is not even the word for what i'm feeling. it's disappointment, anger, sadness and shock. i hate you because i love you so much. "often it is the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them" Current Mood: incredibly sad Current Music: never let me down - k. west feat. jay z (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 28th, 2004
12:53 am	a poem spurned by the eclipse. it's called moon poem Luna. Luna. Luna. You sit so pale and cold. Watching me. Do you love me Luna? As I love you? I seek your company every night. I walk and talk with you. When I am low, it is your face I seek. Your stillness comforts me. You call the wind up from the water To wrap its arms around me and i am calm. I know you see me Luna. I feel you watching. I know you hear me speaking, Asking you to take me back To send me a memory Of days when i would lay in the grass And stare up at you And not feel alone. Current Mood: ready to be home!! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
3:36 pm	when i wake up i wake up. i think of you. i wonder if i'll see you today. wonder what we'll do when we're together. will you say something to hurt me? will i get angry? will we fight? that wouldn't be new. i wake up. i think of you. i wonder if we'll speak today. wonder how long before one of us breaks. will i sign on? will youcall my room? will meet for dinner ir a walk? that would be nice. i wake up. i think of you. i wonder what i've done. wonder why you're so angry with me. will you tell me? will you gloss over it and pretend nothing happened? will we ever stop this cycle? that's probably impossible. so tired. the fighting. the crying. the bullshit. the bithcing. the cycle. the cycle. the cycle. the cycle. I'M FUCKING DIZZY! every day. every other day. make it stop. all this spinning is MAKING ME SICK! when i wake up... fuck that shit, i'm awake. i mean really, i've woken up. i realize that it's NOT even THAT SERIOUS. there is no wondering. i have figured out that i'ma live either way, with or without. with is nice, but to what price. and there you have it, and there it is. BONG! Current Mood: FREE!!! Current Music: pump me up - krosfyah (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 17th, 2004
2:58 pm	U-House!! / the beginning of 3rd year so, here i am at rit, my favorite place (after home and my brother's house and my cousin's house and my car and... see the point? i am being sarcastic about rit being my favorite place. get it?). umm, it's 7th week and alot has happened. let's start from the end of summer, major events only. -2 angeles. my nieces are the most beautiful things on the face of the planet. i love them an indescribable amount. i miss them every day and it's hard. but sometimes i can feel them when i breathe and i am happy. i can't wait to get back to my girls. -initiation. well, i am finally recognized in my family. yay. go me. my cousins properly initiated me this summer. many many parties with lots and lots of alcohol. we did all kinds of stupid shit; shot competitions (i am the reigning champion), strip clubs, bbqs. the fun was on a whole new level. next year, i'm 21 and it's all over. DONE!!! and hanging with my brother and his boys is always a blast. jamar is so... yum. funny and smart but so stupid, you know? chris is insane. and bob (my brother) is good when he's not being a douche. but that's what he is most of the time, so... -jeff. he is a kid who went to high school with my sister (he's a good 6 years older than me. that scared me at first, but i got over it). well i thought we had a good "something" going but before it officially started, he backed away from me like he was scared. i guess it was freaky dating someone he knew when she was 10 and he was 16. that is what got me at first, but i really liked the kid. waaah. anyway, apparently he called my house and asked mim and mils about me. not a quick "how is she?" and that was it. i heard it was "a steady stream, minutes of questions, an interrogation." <-quoth my sister. and some kid named jeff called the room and asked for me, but i have not determined if it was him or not. lately, i have been thinking about calling him and arranging a meeting for when i go home at the end of the month. i miss hanging out with him and having a real conversation with a man who looks at me like i am flawless and hangs on my words and is so consumed that.... uuuughhhhh!!! why am i here? fuck! -cory. rina and i are, or were, having issues. there have been problems between us since march. i don't know, i don't feel loved. i feel this is a one-sided relationship. we've fought no less than twice a week since we got back, always over some dumb shit. there is rift between us but we hold on. we still talk about how things will be when we get old and how he will be the godfather of my kids. reality is always on my mind, though. i know life will take us on our separate paths. that's probably a good thing since alot of people think we are married. it's time we were distinguished as two independent entities. miss him already though. but why? he's not missing me. it's a frustrating thought when you care so much for someone and you feel like they couldn't give less of a shit. oh well, such is life. -whose house? U-House!!! jyeah! i love it here. i would like to thank my roommate Clarice (no middle name) Richards for moving me onto this floor. can you say closure? this is exactly the place i have been looking for since i came to RIT. the friends i met my first 2 years are lovely, but not family like this. how do you click with people so quickly? it's all love on this floor. i am right in where i belong. there is always a party, even when things are boring as hell. i can't have a bad time with these people. we care and we share. it's like barney. craziness! i love it. One House. One Family. One Love. -classes. biology is starting to work for me. i am almost interested in some of the shit i am "learning." i study and pay attention in class and yada yada yada. look at me. 3rd year biatch!! i am waiting ever so impatiently for 2006. -males. yeah, i am still single. go figure. why would i not be? jeff is the closest i've been in the last 2 years and look where that ended. it could have been nice. at any rate, everybody thinks me and cory are a couple. i swear if one more person asks me if we are dating... NO dad-gammit!! but my, there are many many fine men on this campus. i like these 2, code names big k and skeeter. yeah. just hot. the end. hopefully, this will be a year of transition. i want to change a lot of things, especially my man status. did i get it all? yeah, that's me for now. all caught up. mas later. Current Mood: chillin' Current Music: one in a million - aaliyah (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 9th, 2004
4:55 pm	way to start so, it has been a crappy last couple of weeks, getting progressively worse, of course. let's see, um, it all started on my birthday, go figure. what a great day to start my next tour through hell. well after fighting with my mom and being forced to go somewhere i didn't want to go, i bawled my eyes out in my room. then, i got some "gifts," which basically comprised of dollar store items bought last minute because no one remembered that i had a birthday. i got ONE birthday hello from all of my so-called friends. lovely. thanks guys. love you too... fucking assholes. what else, my left eye is turning to shit. the vision is all fucked up and i can't read out of the eye. it seems i have some disorder known as sarcoidosis. i've had 3 of the symptoms already. great stuff. this is the best, this whole seeing worth 28% out of my left eye. and yeah, the doctors don't know what makes it occur. me, i think it is stress related. things have really been coming down on me lately; the jeff thing, school stress, money stress, "friend" issues. so my eye goes lame right before school. then, i have stress from classes, of course. fucking physics is going to kick my ass in the worst way. on top of that, well, i know what i want to do with my life, but it sucks realizing that you can't do something you have wanted for so long. and, as of yesterday, my schedule has changed 3 fucking times. what the fuck? seriously. the worst thing is probably my friend issues. well it's mostly just one friend, my supposed "best" friend. hardly. as far as i am concerned, i have no best friend. so what do i have? a place on the back burner. i am stowed away like some artifact from the early years of life. then you go in the garage and rediscover it and "wow, this is great. how cool." then you realize how little you need me and put me back in the box. sorry. excuse me if i am frustrated at being the very last thing you ever consider. but i love the way you make me realize how completely unimportant i am. fuck it all. fuck everybody. look people, don't be such... don't tell me shit you don't mean. don't pretend to care just so you can use me to listen to your bullshit. don't front just trying to be nice. and don't defend people that you know are assholes. fuck am i frustrated. whatever. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 20th, 2004
12:43 am	s'good s'goog. s'goooood. *sigh* can't even say right now. (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 15th, 2004
6:30 pm	until i fall asleep i take a deep breath and i close my eyes. i let the air out slowly through my nose. it's relief for a while, then the water starts to rise. i close my eyes again and breathe in again. "oh god," i think as i begin to whimper and sob out the breath i just took. i put my elbows on my knees and my hands in my face and cry for a while. i walk over to my bed and lay down with my face stuffed into the pillow. i let the tears soak it up for a bit, then i let it out; a scream, long and throat-straining. i do it again and again and again, until my voice no longer works. i turn my head to the side and cry until i fall asleep. "snow is falling. our hearts are almost broken" -lori k. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 10th, 2004
5:47 pm	you're a bastard & quotables. me and my boy, we got this relationship. i love him so bad but he treats me like shit... henceforth, enough of that motherfucker and adios. bastard. next, quotables... "He's a hermaphrodite!" NOOOOOO!! "Because he’s cute and sweet and he stares at you." "Hey dirty, the white girl got your money, don’t you worry..." - Is today the day of our wedding? **Wedding is such a strong word. - Fire at will. **Which one is Will? -mils "I’m so lonely. I wish I was the moon tonight." - some song "I’m not mean, I’m just not nice." "Yeah, either that, or you’re an idiot." "A monk on a rider mower. Only in America" - yo "I was madder than a legless Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill... Please jerk me off you piece of shit. I have no thumbs." – Ron White "Man, I be giving myself some fucked up haircuts. Shit, I don’t care. Save me 12 dollars... I am not a ho (maybe you had to be there)." - Jamar "What yo ueat don't make me shit." - Jay Z (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 29th, 2004
10:31 pm	i miss tj! waah i miss tj! waah. tj, i miss you. and that is all i have to say about that. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
8:12 pm	have you ever felt a relationship die? well lucky me, i am feeling 2 right now. #1 - winnie, she is leaving MD and going on to bigger and better things in texas. texas wenguel?! fuckin hell. but on the real, have fun. you'll be great andall that. #2 - i don't even know where it went. i mean, we was tight as hell for a minute, then... and it withered away. so here i am, the only one left feeling anything about what used to be, and they are all ... fuck. i hate people (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 8th, 2004
12:24 am	no, no. don't tell me about your love tonight. let me go to sleep and pray to die before i wake. i don't want to feel that tonight, but it seems my world is coming down again. sure, yeah, talk it up. watch my eyes tear up. smile while i weep. it's always been the same. you on top in the sunshine while i am left to grovel in the mud. it's all the fucking same. it will always be the same. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 24th, 2004
9:00 pm	i hate you. i really do what up folks? still joi, still hate life. it seems to me that i will be having a great time, then something will happen and just fuck up my whole outlook. that shit is serious man. it's gettin mad old too. home is good though, so much better than the rit. but i have a lot of time to think about what i want to do? do i want to go back? i don't know. i seriously don't. do i want to go back to my asshole and bitch ass friends? or would i rather stay down here and just start somewhere else and maybe find some real people who don't fake and front and say shit they don't mean, and make promises they won't keep. i could curse all yall niggas out, no frontin'. you mothafuckas me me just a little bit fucking nauseous. bunch a bastards. uuuugggghhhhh, i hate phony ass people. shit! ugh!!!! hmmm, anyway, so yeah, down here i feel like 'the obedient servant.' i am sure that is hard for some of ya'll to see, but down here i do for everybody before me. i do that shit alot, which may be part of the reason i am so unhappy, but i thought god would give me a reward. but maybe i am getting my reward cuz, while i don't do alot of bad shit, i think alot of bad shit. i be wanting to cut niggas, beat up bitches, fuckin slice throats, throw people across the room into walls and just stomp 'em until my legs go weak. i could get mad off of one thing and end up just done. and that's it. so, i guess my reward is god turning me own anger back at me. whatever. fuck it all cuz i don't fucking care. next thought, what do you do when you don't love somebody you thought you did? you find the level just keeps diminishing until it is down to nothing. you don't want to see them or talk to them and you kind of wish they would just be out of your life forever. have you ever wished you had never met someone? and you just want to tell them, 'i don't love you no more, let alone like you. i wish your ass woudl drop off the face of the planet. now run the fuck away cuz i am starting to fucking hate you.' but it is way to easy for me to do that. i am quick to make a space for somebody in my heart, but so quick to drop em like a hot rock then just fucking hate them forever for wasting my time. i hate humans. i fucking hate all you fucking bastards. and i mean that. i really do. later (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
5:51 pm	my lovely mom. i was helly pissed earlier. my mom kept me at work for 3 hours later than i wanted. i said some harsh shit. i can say some pretty mean shit when i am angry. what an evil child i am. anyway, more later. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
10:42 am	bed thoughts - start i wanted to be so secure of my position in this relationship that i went out of my way to hurt people. in doing so, i have become a wretched, ugly, 2-faced bitch. i have also lost one of the people who meant the most to me, way to be benoji. nice fucking up. i couldn't sit in your presence right now. i am so ashamed. "and don't you feel the fire of an isolated life?" - end anyway, my favorite new quote "i'll have my wife stunt your growth. left, right, that's all she wrote." - big dude in D12 that shit is tooo funny. oh yeah, and "let me be your manager" - twista so yeah, somebody sice that sticker for me from the doctor's office. NO TEARS TODAY. haha. i'm working on it dogg. let's see how that works. last thing, i am seriously considering where i should go to college next year. i don't think RIT is the place for me. (Comment on this)
1:29 am	not me - oh god, not me oh God. oh God. oh God. what the hell have i become? oh God. please, not me. never me. no, not me. please God. please. omg. please tell me that is not me in the mirror. please tell me that is not me switching lanes like that. one thing i have always tried not to be is 2-faced. oh God, tell me that is not me. oh God. take it out of me. remove this evil from me. it is like a symptomless disease that crept up and infected me. is this really what i have become? please no. God please no. why did i say those things? why did i think them? was it that serious? he never hurt me. and even if he had, why would i ever drop to that level to retaliate. and cory, i can see why you left. i have become unrecognizeable to myself. how can you have a best friend that has become someone you don't know? "rollercoaster" is one thing, but 2-faced... i hate myself on a whole new level right now. i don't beleive what i have done. but i can fucking guarantee it will never ever ever happen again. oh God, it's disgusting. i'm gonna go puke. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 17th, 2004
6:38 pm	bed thoughts - a goodbye i guess :*( so, sometimes i am laying in bed and get thoughts and i wanna write em, so from last night on, i keep a pen and pad next to my pillow so i can just write and get back to sleep. here is the junk i wrote last night. - start of last night's stuff God didn't make me special. i have no gifts or talents. i am not brilliant or beautiful. i have nothing to offer anyone. i don't know why i have been wondering so long, pondering these questions: "why am i so unloved? why am i so easy to leave? why does everyone look right past me?" i miss my cory. i just want to go to him. i just want to tell him. i am sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i love you. but why should he listen? i have said it over and over, but i continue to screw up. should i tell you everything that's on my mind? why would you listen? i know. i know, but i just wanted to say that i love you. he's so happy. he's so in love. he has no time for me. i am in the background. he's forgotten our ridiculous vow of forever. it really meant until you found something better. so easily pushed aside. no, i am not special. i was born on the back burner. i am silver, bronze or runnerup to everything. how am i not used to this position by now? i wish i could stop crying. i just want to go to sleep. can't stop thinking about it, how much i hate life, how sad i am. i wonder how many other people are crying themselves to sleep tonight. MD "friends" forgot me. ROC "friends" forgot me. best friends have left me. i am all alone. sanity is a little wooden box six feet underground. yeah, i am tired, kind of lonely too. i wish i had somebody to talk with. is it lonely at the top? couldn't tell you, but it certainly is at the bottom. i don't sleep very well anymore. tossing and turning. i am uncomfortable in this bed, even in my own skin. and lately i have been crying myself to sleep and waking up with puffy, red eyes. i want to scream, but i might wake stacey. i want to hit but i might break something. i want to have a reason to stay, but it seems i lost that a long time ago. - end of last night's stuff i don't believe it's going to end like this. wow. i have to admit, this is much worse than i ever could have imagined. i'm trying not to feel, trying to shut myself off, but the tears keep coming. a song, a smell, the sun, the wind, a car, a haircut, somebody in shorts... anything slightly familiar and i am swimmin again. and of course there is this picture on my desk. i don't want to move it, but what is the point of torturing myself? i don't believe it's ending like this. well, you were good and i love you forever even if you are angry and hate me now. i'm sorry for everything. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 16th, 2004
9:38 pm	musings my hands are cold, my heart is cold my eyes and smile and skin grown old i died from love you never showed i cannot hear your words untold ... if i should die before i wake i pray the lord your soul to shake and make you see your huge mistake and feel the pain of the ones you break, like me. ... and this is for the beauties who will never know it i give you my love ladies cuz nonody else will show it and don't worry bout it if nobody wants you around they just a bunch of suckas. don't let the bastards bring you down ... i am in it again, this feeling, so numb. i don't get it. why is it so hard? empty. (Comment on this)
6:00 pm	us right now shattered glass upon the floor, a picture that was once mine and yours. someone ripped it up and tore me out. "is that what your profile's about?" hmm i wonder. take a guess. this whole "relationship's" a mess. this "love" is trash; it's old and rotten and one of us has been forgotten. but you are happy, so it's okay. i pray to God you stay that way. may he always keep you safe and well. and as for me? guess i'll go to hell. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 13th, 2004
2:22 pm	forgive me, love do you forgive me, love, for the mistakes i make? for the tears you cry and your heart that breaks? do you forgive me, love, when i roll my eyes? and say those things that hurt your pride? do you forgive me for the times it stings? forgive me, love, for everything. (Comment on this)